2019 ~ Have courage and be kind

Wednesday, 9 January 2019

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2019 brings you all the joy and love in the world. Every year I choose a word for the year. Last year was success. Did I have success? In my career, yes. In love, no. Last year love was illusive and every time I thought I had found it with someone, they would leave.

This year I decide to not choose a word but a phrase; “have courage and be kind”. To have courage to let myself be vulnerable and to put myself out there. To not be scared to have my heart broken again. To be kind to the people who have never been kind to me. So far this has been working well, but with some people it is a mission. A mission that I will try to win.

One thing I need to try and overcome this year is my constant feeling of not being good enough. Not being good enough at work, not being good enough mother and not being a good enough person to love.

This feeling stems from way back to when I was a little girl. When I was small, about 8 years old, my mother put me into dancing. She heard about it from a colleague at work. Said colleagues daughter had the most beautiful blond hair. It looked like satin. Till this day. The problem came when my mother, who had an obsession with the colleagues daughter, tried to change me into her. Imagine dying your daughters hair at the age of 8. Trying to get it as blond as hers. When it came to dancing, I always had to try and be like her. Never mind that when it came to competitions, I was better than her and won more competitions.

For many, there would be nothing wrong with it. An overachiever parent who only wants the best for their child, but to an 8 year old, knowing your mother didn’t think you were good enough as you are. That, in order for her to be proud of you, you had to colour your hair and be just like another child. Over the years that never changed. Although I stopped dancing, my mother always found ways to try and change who I was. Instilling that never good enough doubt in my head that stayed with me for years to come.

Fast forward to my first relationship, with my sons father. I was that clingy, wanting to do everything together girlfriend. The fear that someone else could do things for him that I couldn’t, and that made me use my money to buy him things just to keep him interested. When I fell pregnant, he told me to have an abortion. His exact words, “if you want me in your life, you will have an abortion.” I didn’t even hesitate to choose my child.

His father had another girlfriend 4 months after we broke up. And when my son was about 2 weeks, I found out that they were pregnant and that he had proposed. Again that feeling of not being good enough reared its ugly head. Why was I not good enough? Why was my child not good enough? I went through hectic post-partum depression. Crying daily, not being able to handle everything on my own. I eventually recognized what was happening and managed to focus on my son. Those feelings never went away and through the years I have had breakdowns thinking about it. “What if I had changed something about myself, would he have stayed?”

Every relationship after my son was born has been short lived. I never feel good enough. Questions always pop into my head. “Why me? I’m sure there is someone else better”. I doubt how I look and my personality. And when they eventually get tired of me and ghost me, my self-esteem takes a terrible dive.

My friends all tell me what a great person I am and how an man would be lucky to have me and I wish I could see it from their perspective but I can’t. I can’t see what they see. And when guys ghost me, I have an even harder time seeing it.

This year I made a decision too love myself first. To do what is good for me. This year I am studying Software Development and Programming. It is way out of my comfort zone but nothing great ever comes from staying there. I will take myself on dates and do things I want to do. I want to learn to love me and maybe be able to see what others see in me.

Here is to 2019, may it be the year that we all love ourselves a little bit more.

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